Et la session pour aujourd'hui

@Verdandi Shark : Need a ride, cowboy?
@Stanislav Tolkien : Sorry, I don't get in vans with strangers.
Verdandi: Hmmm, too bad. I've got candy.
Stan: Candy!

@Joy Khelifi: Thanks for dinner.
@herbert slughorn: I thought you paid?
Joy: …
Herbert: …
Herbert: Well, I guess we won’t be going back there.

@Aine Kane : We have to stay cool. As my mom always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.
@Andrew Shepard: Your mom always said that?

@Callistus Rhodes: I'm gonna have to wait till the results come in the regular mail. That could be weeks from now, if ever! Our mail carrier hates me ever since I asked her when the baby was due.
@Baruch Moran: She wasn't pregnant?
@Taliesin de Briancourt: No, he was not.

@Keith Buckley: [on @Fiona Lynch’s grocery list] This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend.
@Aodhàn McGrath: What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
Keith: And your mom was perfect.

Voldemort: I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream...
@Kim Seo Jun: Yeah and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
@Azariah Vane: And who am I? Describe me now!
(keur keur)

Remy Lynch: You okay? You've been staring at the second page of this book for an hour.
@Inès Yaxley: When I'm really upset, concentrating on a table of contents helps me calm down. It's like a menu, but the food is words.

@Amaya Walker: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
@Norah Rowland: [Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
@Anthony Rogers: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?
@kad wen: Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
@Noam Harris: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
@Ethan Herrera: Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
@Samuel Shah: No.
Norah: No!
Ethan: Done, right?
@Logan Alvarez: No.
@Elliott Walsh: No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Amaya: Topless Christmas.

@Silver Marsh: You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river.
@Amity Safaatauemana: Wrong - I look like a cool rock star who OD'd in his own pool.

@Saracita Kazan: Since I have sworn off boys, I have tons of free time. Last night, I completely reorganized my handbag closet.
@Rowan Scamander: You have a handbag closet?
Sita: I told you, I have tons of free time.

@Göran Falk: A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.

@Nathan Brisbane: Look, this isn't about @Lucjan Sacramoni not being able to take a joke. This is about you. You're doing what I used to do. You're pulling an Nate.
@Logan Alvarez: Posting my cousin's credit card number on Reddit because he said I looked tired?
Nate: [Nate snorts. They chuckle] I forgot I did that.

@Molly Weasley: I'm sorry about this, Minerva. I made him take the classes and I feel a little responsible.
@Minerva McGonagall: No, no, it's not your fault.
Molly: Yeah, you're right, it isn't, and no takebacks.

@Marlowe Hanmer: It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior and explanations of the torture they earned.
@Cecil Warren: Is there a gift shop?
Marlowe: Cecil, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.

@Vasco Greyback: I don't know. This plan seems complicated.
@Hoshi Greyback: To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
Vasco: They don't make sense. Apples, you eat their clothes. But oranges you don't?

@Seamus Finnigan: Let's drink green beer! Let's do green Jell-o shots! Where's your Saint Patrick's Day spirit?
@Dean Thomas: We're drinking green tea.
@Cormac McLaggen: With caffeine.

@Lesath Çelik: Hey, Finnegan. Why did the chicken cross the road? 

@Finnegan Fawley: To get to the other side? 

Lesath: You were supposed to say “I dunno, why?“

Finnegan: Uh... fine. I don’t know. Why did it cross the road?

Lesath: To get to the idiot’s house. 

Finnegan: ...Ok? 

@Mengwu Wang: Hey, Finnegan. Knock knock.

Finnegan: No. 

Mengwu: You were supposed to say “who’s there?”

Finnegan: Fine... let’s get this over with. Who’s there? 

Mengwu: The chicken. 

Finnegan: 

Mengwu: 

Lesath: 

Finnegan: Listen here you little shits-

@Charybdis Kang: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.
@Kamala Chase: This knife is actually a magic wand.
@Paris Hepburn: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.
@Angus Garfield: *cocks gun* Magic missile.
@Danielle Greyback: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

@Makani Safaatauemana: While I'm gone, you're in charge Tao.
@Tao Zheng: Yes!
Makani, whispering to @Sigrid Templeton: You're secretly in charge, but I don't want them to feel bad.
Sigrid: Obviously.

@D. Alexis Hoover: Sylas-
@Sylas Hoaxley-Young: *sighs* @Maxine Zhao used to call me Sylas…
Alexis: ...Because it's your fucking name.

@numa williams: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!
@Diana Selvaggio: You left me, @Hydrus Deamhan, and @Friedhelm Tiedemann in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.
Numa: I did that on purpose, try again.

@Lance Farrow: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?
@Rhys Lloyd: Maybe a bit tipsy?
@Piotr Shklyarov: Drunk.
@Langford Prewett: Wasted.
@Myrthild Travers: Dead.

On va jouer à un jeu aujourd’hui, entre Very Correct Quotes ou Incorrect Quotes
Amusez-vous bien

1)
*During the Pep-talk about @Kingsley Shacklebolt’s love life*
@Elena Alvarez: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.
@Lucjan Sacramoni, @Dean Thomas, @Ignacio Alcázar-Wingates, and @Cormac McLaggen: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

2)
Aoife: Is this your plan B?
Sohane: Technically, this is plan P.
Aoife: Plan P? Is there a plan M?
Sohane: Yes, but I marry Lee in plan M.
Lee: I like plan M.

3)
@Corban Yaxley: I’m serious! They’re watching me! They’ve even got an agent following me! Don’t you believe me?
@Caractacus Sharp: Look, it’s not that I don’t believe you… It’s that I don’t believe you and I don’t care.

4)
@Draco Malfoy: This bloodline ends with me.
@Hermione Granger: That's the fanciest way I've ever heard someone say "I'm gay".

5)
@Lazarus Karkaroff: If you get in trouble, I'm gonna be like... a lawyer to you. Ok?
@Thomas Brisbane: Okay.
*later*
@Frida Beckett: Brisbane! Sit down on the chair, you're in trouble.
Lazarus, whispering: Deny everything.
Tommy, loudly: That isn't a chair.

6)
@Maureen Ward: When Glenn has daiquiris they get really into how beautiful they are.
@glenn ward: Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out.
Faye: Hey Glenn, you know that’s a mirror, right?

7)
Mira: Hey Leo, wanna third wheel on my date with Tommy tomorrow?
@Leonor Martillo: Sure.
Mira: Nate! Wanna third wheel on my date with Tommy tomorrow?
Mira: Great! I've always wanted to go on a double date!
Leo & @Nathan Brisbane: ...
@Thomas Brisbane: Mira…


@America Clarke: Made you all playlists!
America: @Isobel Yaxley, yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul.
America: @Liam Fitzroy, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression.
America: And @Mallory Lopez has the ABBA Gold album.

9)
@Rowan Scamander: What’s the announcement, Maeve?
@Maeve Castellan: It’z a lecture. Thema’z gonna tell us everything she knowz about sex.
@Serena Wissar: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

10)
@Siham Al-Massri: What’s up with @James Buchanan Jr? They’ve been laying on the floor for like….an hour now?
@Felix Wickham: They're just a little overwhelmed.
Siham: Why?
Felix: Corban smiled at them.

11)
@Jim Haggen: I like to play this game called nap roulette. I take a nap and don’t set an alarm. Will it be 20 min or 4 hours? Nobody knows. It’s risky and I like it.

12)
@Rayane Flamel: Why doesn’t @Lucinda Seghezza find me sexy when I bite my lip?
@Boris Bagshot: What do you look like when you bite your lip?
Rayane: *bites lip*
Boris: ...Have you considered biting your bottom lip instead?

13)
@Johannes Runcorn: I lost @Mathilda Sacramoni.
Lucjan: How did you LOSE Tilly?!
Johannes: To be fair, she's very small.

14)
Roy Flint: I am your king.
@Marlon Travers: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Roy Flint: You don't vote for kings.
Marlon: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Roy Flint: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
@Otto Fitzroy: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

15)
@Venus Montclaire: I heard it was best to keep your enemies close.
@Peter Pettigrew: Whoever said that didn't have many enemies.

Réponses:

J'suis à la bourre, mais j'ai fait ça


Ici pour la voir en grand
( Castace à la VB : @Corban Yaxley @Boris Bagshot @Nils Fitzroy @Langford Prewett )


La version en grand
(NSFW + guest : @Johannes Runcorn @Numa Williams @Diana Selvaggio @Baruch Moran)


la version en grand
(@Rhys Lloyd et @Lance Farrow)


(on appréciera à sa juste valeur mon incapacité à dessiner des mains correctes )

Aujourd'hui, quelques ensembles de personnes qui étaient à Poudlard en même temps

@Imogen Prewett: My stomach growled super loud in French.
imogen: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class.
@Olympe Bagshot: Bonjour.
@Anthea Rowle: Le growl.
@Andrew Shepard: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.

*Everyone is playing a board game together*
@Winston Karahalios : I will put 'A' down to make 'A'.
@Morrigan Farrow: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'.
@Fiona Lynch: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'.
@Zoya Strugatsky: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'.
Fiona: *flips the board*

Un peu de collégialité
@Rowan Scamander, rubbing their temples: I am not proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarrette.
@Saracita Kazan: But Rowan, we don't smoke.
rowan: Cut the crap, saracita. I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.
rowan: *points at Thema* One! *points at @Shōta Purville* Two! *points at @Serena Wissar* Three! *points at @Maeve Castellan* Four! *points at Sita* Five!
rowan: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarrette between these two fingers!
maeve: *puts a cigarrette in rowan's hand*
rowan: Thank you. ...Light?
The Squad: *all simultaneously pull out lighters*


La grande famille Brisbane-Martillo-Sacramoni-Alvarez
@Lucjan Sacramoni: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-
@Elena Alvarez: A doll.
@Dae-won Song: A cinnamon roll.
@Logan Alvarez: A sweetheart.
lucjan:
lucjan: ...stop it.

@Dwight Brisbane: Your lover doesn't have the mental strength to caramelize onions.
@Thomas Brisbane: Your lover thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions.
@Nathan Brisbane: Who's fucking caramelizing onions? Have you sociopaths forgotten that apples exist?
@Leonor Martillo: Do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions.


Et mes ships, all loving
Beth: I sleep with a gun under my pillow.
@Otto Fitzroy : I sleep with a knife.
Gina Marsh: Both of you are pathetic.
Beth: Oh yeah? What do you sleep with?
Gina: @Silver Marsh.

Comme annoncé, les petites incorrect quotes made in Loïc Prigent j'ai fait que les 20 premières pages du premier livre, autant vous dire qu'il y en aura encore pleins d'autres

@Maeve Castellan: "Je pourrais pas m'investir avec un mec qui porte des t-shirts à col en V."

----

@Venus Montclaire à Lena: "Si tu as l'air reposé au retour de tes vacances c'est qu'elles étaient ratées."

----

@Remy Lynch: Je peux vous interviewer ?
@Viktor Krum: Mais je n'ai rien à dire sur le sujet.
@Remy Lynch: C'est pas grave.

----

@Elena Alvarez à propos de Venus: "Dans mon téléphone je l'ai enregistrée à Satan."

----

@Leonora Nielsen: "Je pleure toutes les nuits jusque 6 heures du mat mais la journée j'ai la pêche."

----

A propos de @Peter Pettigrew: "Sa hype est vite retombée. J'espère qu'il a pas largué ses vrais amis entre temps."

----

@Paris Hepburn: "Je sais que votre travail c'est de m'empêcher de passer mais le mien c'est de passer quand même."

----

@Faye Moroz: "Marchez plus vite les filles ! Marchez comme si vous alliez trop vite !" (me demandez pas pourquoi celle-là m'a faite penser à Faye)

----

@Ezekiel Zabini: "Ma devise c'est porte ton argent sur toi en fringues. Rien à la banque."

----

@Vanessa Devon: "Je lui ai hurlé dessus dix bonnes minutes, ça m'a détendu."

On continue le tome 1 des incorrect quotes made in Loïc Prigent (y en a encore tellement )

@Laurel Beckett: "Tu sais, le monde se divise en deux groupes: les ploucs et les gros ploucs."

----

@Paris Hepburn: "J'adore regarder comment les vrais gens s'habillent."

----

à propos de @Ezekiel Zabini (déso mais lui il va tout le temps y être jpp): "La veille du shoot, le boss a fait un mail: 'The tiger is not fashionable enough.' Il a fallu recaster un tigre dans la nuit."

----

@Lucinda Seghezza: "Les riches sont ploucs."

----

à propos de @Noam Harris (décidément spéciale Jool aujourd'hui): "Il fait une grosse dépression mais il est très marrant."

----

à propos de @Inès Yaxley: "Elle est d'une toxicité incroyable. Elle ferait une muse géniale."

----

@Faye Moroz: "C'est pas de la vulgarité, c'est de l'impact."

----

@Kingsley Shacklebolt: "Ok. Je vais devenir désagréable mais c'est pas personnel, c'est parce que c'est la guerre. ça durera que jusqu'à mercredi. Ok ?"

----

à propos de @Stanislav Tolkien: "Il a une peau parfaite. Comme quoi la cruauté ça conserve."

----

@Noris Sanders: "Je sais plus quand c'était. Je confond dimanche soir et ce matin."

@Markus Von Bäume : Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it
@Wolfram Von Bäume : Markus no
Engel : Mistlefoe
Wolf : Please stop encouraging him

Wolf : I left instructions for everyone while I’m gone.
Engel : Mine just says ‘Engel, no’.
Wolf : I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

@Johannes Runcorn : A pet rock is a fun pet until you realize that it’s essentially immortal and you’ve cursed it to an eternity of watching its loved ones die
Grant : Jo it’s 3am please stop-


BN et moi : I don't trust the annexes. Too many acronyms. I mean, what does NSFW stand for? Literally no one knows the answer.
Tous les autres : No Safety for Wizards
BN et moi : Could be. Literally no one knows.

@Imogen Prewett: It’s Christmas, you know what that means!
Louis : Everyone is going to try to kill each other at the dinner table?
Adele: The turning of a religious holiday into consumer hell?
@Myrthild Travers: Getting drunk on my own while crying in the bathtub?
@Marlon Travers: The fact that I’ll only get coal from Santa?
Imogen : I was going to suggest ‘ugly sweaters competition but y’know what? We’re going to therapy.

Markus : I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.

Louis : What the hell is wrong with you ?
@Axel Deschamps : i'm french
Louis : Oh, I'm sorry.

Incorrect quotes sponsored par Grace and Frankie, et starring l'incroyable famille Travers-Prewett


@Louis Travers : “Once you see the real me, you are gonna run for the hills.”
@Myrthild Travers : “Would you mind taking me back home or setting me on fire?”


Myrthild : "When I walk into Larry’s house, everybody’s going to look at me and say, ‘What a waste?’”
@Imogen Prewett : “Wouldn’t they be saying that when you walk out?”


@Bartholomeus Prewett : “I’m feeling like the last forty years have been a fraud.”
Myrthild: “Now come on, only the last twenty years were a fraud. That’s a joke.”



Adèle Travers à @Axel Deschamps : “We are both formidable people who detest children.”


Myrthild : “Marlon! I told you, I’m not going to do a sex podcast with @Lance Farrow!”


Adèle : “If you’re going into the kitchen could you get me two whiskey sours? One for each hand.”


Louis à son cher bro : “Your anger is frightening the sand.”


Marlon (le rabat-joie) : "Hope is over-rated."

Edition
______________

Aodhàn : Look at my face.
Connor : Okay?
Aodhàn : No no, keep looking.
Connor : I am looking!!
Aodhàn : No you’re not. Look harder.
Connor : Is there a point to this?
Aodhàn : Yes. So look as hard as you can. Focus on every part of my face.
Connor : Alright! I am!!
Aodhàn : Now. Does it look like I give a fuck?

@Fiona Lynch : Am I in trouble?
@Darragh Lynch : Take a guess.
Fiona : No.
Darragh : Take another guess.

Glenn : I’ll have a firewisky, and a tea.
Fiona : Uncail Glenn, I’m 23.
Glenn : I can order my own tea.

@Diarmuid Ward : Guys I got a snake. What should I name him?
Fiona *remembering snake story* : I’m sorry, you got a what now?
Connor : William Snakespear!

@Maureen Ward : What is one thing I told you not to do?
Diarmuid : Burn the house down.
Maureen : And what did you do?
Diarmuid : Made you dinner.
Maureen :
Diarmuid :
Maureen :
Diarmuid : … and burnt the house down.

Fiona : Fight me!
Connor : Ha! Look at your size! What are you going to do, kick me in the ankle?
[Later]
@Remy Lynch : Hum, why is Connor quivering on the ground and crying?
Maureen : Fiona kicked him very hard in the ankle.

Remy : Going to plan B?
@Carmichael Connaught : Technically, that would be Plan H.
Darragh : How many plans do we have? Is there like, plan Z?
Remy : Yeah, but Glenn dies in plan Z.
Carmichael : I like plan Z.

Fiona : Chillax!
Darragh : That’s not a word.
Fiona : Sometimes the ones who deny 'chillax' are the ones who need to chillax the most.

Diarmuid : Who the fuck.
Maureen : Language.
Diarmuid : Whom the fuck.
Maureen : No.

Diarmuid : *breaks through window while @Atropos Sacramoni is sleeping*
Diarmuid : I have- stop screaming, it’s me- I have a death question.

Someone : *interrupts Fiona*
Fiona : Don’t interrupt me.
Diarmuid : *interrupts Fiona*
Fiona : Go ahead babe I’m listening.

Glenn : Can someone give me an example of things that are useless?
Carmichael : *raises his hand*
Glenn : Excellent. Any other examples?
Carmichael :

Carmichael : *can’t find Darragh or Remy in a crowd*
Carmichael : *sighs*
Glenn : Hang on I got this.
Glenn : *cups hands to make a megaphone* CARMICHAEL CONNAUGHT SUCKS!
Crowd : …
Remy : WHO DARE SAY SUCH AN-
Darragh : FIGHT ME!
Carmichael : Oh there they are.

Remy : Mike, I told you this was a 'costume party'.
Carmichael, in his normal clothes: I am in a costume.
Remy : Really? Who are you supposed to be?
Carmichael : Your future husband.

Darragh : Why would you give a knife to Fiona?
Diarmuid : She felt unsafe.
Darragh : No I feel unsafe!
Diarmuid : I’m sorry.
Diarmuid : … would you like a knife?

Remy : What do you call challenge the authority of the Triumvirate?
Glenn : A hobby.
Remy : ?
Glenn : That I do not engage in.

Remy : You guys are idiots, did you know that?
Darragh :
Mike :
Darragh : In our own defense, we actually did know that.

Connor : I like your pants.
Fiona : Thanks they were 50% off.
Connor : I’d like them 100% off.
Fiona : The store can’t just sell free stuff.
Connor : No that’s not what I-
Fiona : That’s a terrible way to run a business, Connor.

Glenn : So on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like me?
Maureen : Honey, we’re married.
Glenn : Still processing.

Remy : Whose turn is it to give the pep talk?
Darragh : *sighing* It’s Mike’s turn…
Carmichael : Fuck shite up out there but don’t die.
Aodhàn : Inspirational.

Carmichael : I could kill you if I wanted to.
Glenn : Yeah? So could another human being.
Carmichael :
Glenn : So could a dog.
Carmichael :
Glenn : So could a dedicated duck.
Carmichael :
Glenn : You aren’t special, Mike.

Maureen : Are they flirting?
Darragh : I think so.
Remy : We're not flirting, we're arguing!
Carmichael : We're flirting.