Things had been weird. It had been a few weeks since their relationship had taken a different turn. When Theo first discovered, saw really, what Blaise really thought about when he thought about him, he was horrified. At first he thought it was because he had been raised in a society that considered same-sex relationships strange and forbidden. For people like them, who came from traditional families, the only way was straight and Theo had always known that.

Yet, he also knew that he was strange, in that regard. He wasn't attracted to men like Blaise was, but he also wasn't attracted to women, like he should have been. He knew this part of his body worked, he thought it worked a little too well sometimes, but he also had quickly realised, back at school, that he didn't need it like the others did. And all of this was confusing, frustrating, and just really kind of sucked.

After the mind reading incident, Theo had fled, for a while, he went back to his dad's and tried to pretend like everything was just fine. But he missed him, and he missed living with him and being with him and he had never realised before, how much space Blaise actually took in his life. Everything felt dull and boring without him, and that was saying something because Theo usually didn't mind dull and boring.  
So he had started to think about it and to read about it and he had discovered along the way that some people didn't want to have sex, like ever and some did, but just sometimes or just with one specific person. He didn't know where he stood on that, he had never felt this way about anyone before, but he was willing to figure it out, with Blaise.

So he had decided to go to him and try to explain what was going on. He had gone to his apartment, their apartment and he had stayed in front of the door for a while, trying to figure out what he would say, what he could say so that Blaise would get it. What could he say? I think I maybe like you but also I don't want to have sex with you, but maybe kissing you would be alright? He had thought about that.

After a while he had finally gathered the nerve to knock on the door, and when Blaise opened his mouth had started working. "I can't have sex", he had said, instead of saying "hello" like a normal human being would have. "I mean, I can but I don't think I want to … so yeah, that's why I got scared about … you know what."

Theo had moved out and Blaise was not hearing the end of it. Pansy was half-convinced that it was his fault and that he was hiding something from her, which was the truth. Theo had moved out because he had seen Blaise's thoughts and had been disgusted by it, by him, by everything. How could he not have been? Blaise himself was disgusted. He wished he had the courage to tell him so, to explain - that it was unnatural, that he hated it as much as he did (or more) - but whenever he sat down with the idea to write to Theo, the words just wouldn't come out of his quill and he stared at his parchment for hours, at a loss for words. Blaise was never at a loss for words. They came to him naturally and he greeted them like old friends, spinning them around like he wanted, making them into whatever he wanted the truth to be.
But there was someone Blaise couldn't lie to, and that was Theodore Nott. Maybe because Theo had been his first friend, probably because he had been his first - and only - love. He couldn't lie to him, he didn't want to lie to him.

Well, there was nothing to lie about when Theo was gone anyway.

Pansy was out, working away at her desk at the Prophet like normal people did. Blaise made his money work for him - it was much less time-consuming. When a knock came at the door, he thought it would be the building's manager who had received a package for him or Pansy, and opened the door in his lounge clothes.
He was surprised to see Theo, who looked disheveled and anxious. "I can't have sex." Blaise's eyes widened. What was he on about? He immediately worried that Theo had had an accident of some sorts, or had started to delve into too much black magic. "I mean, I can but I don't think I want to … so yeah, that's why I got scared about … you know what." Theo had always been an oddball, which had always greatly pleased Blaise who found it cute. Right now, it was downright alarming. "Uh, come in, Theo." He opened the door for him and closely inspected him. Blaise tried to make sense of his words as the young Nott got in and he closed the door behind him. "What do you mean you can't have sex? What happened?" He was genuinely concerned, putting his own worries about Nott's silence from the past few weeks to the side, to focus on his friend. If he was in trouble, Blaise would do anything in his power to help him - broken friendship or not. "I don't really follow." He blushed, not understanding why Theo wanted to talk about that. "You don't have- we don't have to discuss any of this, you know, it's uh, it's fine. Let's just... do you need help? Are you okay?"

Blaise was looking at him with big, round eyes as he listened to what Theo was saying. He probably could have waited for him to let him in, but he knew the words wouldn't have come out so easily if he had. The look of confusion on Blaise's face made him slightly worried as he came in through the door.

"What do you mean you can't have sex? What happened?" He was slightly relieved that Blaise asked the question, it meant he was willing to talk to him. And that was good. Especially after everything that had happened, after Theo left without a word and never came back. "Nothing happened," he answered. "I don't really follow. — You don't have- we don't have to discuss any of this, you know, it's uh, it's fine. Let's just... do you need help? Are you okay?" He wanted to explain, was the thing. When he left he was so anxious he couldn't breath, he had thought he'd lost everything, every one he actually cared about was left in the apartment. He loved Pansy, she was family, how could he have not? Blaise was different, though. Blaise had taken him by surprise. Theo wasn't really one to socialise or make friends, real friends. Yet, Blaise had turned his world upside down since the very first day they'd met, and he had not stopped ever since, making him feels things he thought he could never experience. And his worried face was so precious, in this moment, he cared and he didn't shut the door in his face so, what more could he ask for, really?

"I don't need help, I don't think." He hesitated, how could he explain something he had just figured out himself and not die of embarrassment doing it. "I want to talk about it, I need to explain". If their relationship was going somewhere, they couldn't pretend nothing had happened, they couldn't go back to the way it was before that day, because that day had changed them, or at least it had changed Theo.
"Well … when I saw, you know, it made me very uncomfortable and I panicked and I left." He was already rambling, this was going so well. "And then I thought about it. And I didn't understand." He didn't understand why Blaise was thinking about these things with him when he had Pansy right besides him, when she was great and fun and he was boring. "But then it got me thinking, about me and all the things that didn't make sense with me, and for me." He always knew he was on the weirder side of things, but it had never really bothered him before, so he had never really thought about it too hard. "What I'm trying to say is that, you were not the problem, not really, it was me and my relationship to all of this," he finished with a vague hand gesture, a good representation of this whole discussion they were having. It was really tiring, explaining these things, but he knew he had to if he wanted to get Blaise back. And he really did.

Blaise would sometimes feel very dumb when talking to Theo. Theo was brilliant. Juste brilliant, there was no other word for it. He was peculiar, sure, downright dorky at times, but he was brilliant: his mind was able to wrap itself around the most complex concepts like it was nothing. Blaise had his talents too, and he was perfectly aware of them. But - and that was maybe Pansy's influence, as she had a tendancy to make people around her feel silly and stupide, especially him - he was nothing compared to Theo, who was truly amazing in ways that most people didn't see.
Blaise saw that. He had first started seeing it years ago. And it was impossible to unsee now. "I don't need help, I don't think." He frowned. He didn't understand anything that was happening, and he just wished Theo would speak clearly and tell him what he expected of him. But of course, as usual, Nott was lost in his own train of thought and wasn't waiting for anybody to hop on. "I want to talk about it, I need to explain." Blaise pursued his lips. He didn't want to talk about it, not at all, but he couldn't refuse Theo. "Alright." His voice sounded hesitant, which was unlike him but not unheard of when Theo was in that hectic state of mind.

"Well … when I saw, you know, it made me very uncomfortable and I panicked and I left." Blaise pursued his lips even tighter, and frowned, uncomfortable. "And then I thought about it. And I didn't understand. - Theo..." There was no use in going over it again if it was just to make them both deeply uncomfortable. "But then it got me thinking, about me and all the things that didn't make sense with me, and for me." At this, Blaise's frown deepened. Theo's sincerity was unnerving. Blaise wished he had been able to read minds, just so that he could pick Theo's brain apart and finally understand what was going on. "What I'm trying to say is that, you were not the problem, not really, it was me and my relationship to all of this."
Blaise had used the it's not you, it's me excuse enough times that he could recognise it. That Theo would use it with him was both annoying and unnerving and struck a chord in him that he didn't know existed.

Blaise retreated deep within himself as he glared at Theo, his features darkening as his frown deepened even more. "Alright." His voice was tense and almost cold, for once. Blaise wore his heart on his sleeve, despite himself, only covering his emotions and thoughts when he was in a business meeting or trying to impress some eager investor. He never bothered acting like someone he was not with Pansy and Theo, especially the latter. He was his best friend and so, so much more. "I'm happy for you, Theo." He looked away and leaned towards the door again, grippling the handle in a tight fist, to open it again and gesture Theo towards the exit. "I think you should go now."

Blaise's face was weird. He looked angry, and Theo didn't really get why. He was trying to explain, Blaise had no reason to be mad at him. He wasn't even done explaining. He just didn't know where to start, how to put things so that he wouldn't seem broken or weird. "Alright" he finally spoke but the words — word — that came ouf of his mouth sent Theo a shiver of panic. His voice was cold, cold like it had rarely ever been with him. Theo was about to ask what he meant when Blaise spoke again. "I'm happy for you, Theo." Happy? He hadn't expected that. It was not the kind of situation that made you happy or unhappy, it just was. The more he looked at him, the less things made sense. He was pretty sure they were not on the same page, at all. And that made him anxious. The anxiety spiked up when Blaise moved towards the door and opened it. "I think you should go now." He had lost Theo for good. This wasn't what he wanted, nothing was fixed, nothing. Maybe things were even worse. "No", he said, surprising himself when he realised it was his voice. And his body had obviously decided not to work with him because the next thing he knew he was a few centimetres away from Blaise, and his hand had joined Blaise's own on the handle. "I'm not leaving. Why are you trying to kick me out?" He said, the annoyance and worry obvious in the tone of his voice.

He pushed the door close, blushed when he let go of his friend's hand, the thought of them holding hand so stupid and yet so attractive to his confused mind. "Blaise", he said, trying to catch his eyes, to decipher what could have gone so, so wrong. He didn't get it, Blaise knew that. He knew Theo wasn't good at guessing, knew he needed words, actual words to understand. "Look, I talked to Celyn, he's like me, kind of" his mind was going a mile a minute,  his thoughts disorganised, messy. "I don't… I don't not want you, I just don't want to have sex, at least not right now, maybe someday, I don't know. The only thing I know is that I don't want that right now, not with you, not with anyone. I never have, really." He would have liked to say more, to tell him that it was the reason he had stayed a virgin for so long and that the only time he tried, because of peer pressure or whatever, was horrifying; but the words failed him. "I miss you Blaise, I really miss you."  

tw: acephobia

"No." Blaise frowned at Theo's refusal. He was not someone who liked hearing the word no, especially not from someone who had all but disappeared from his life a few weeks ago without ever giving a sign of life.
Theo moved towards him and Blaise was too stunned to push him off or move away and instead stared back at him, his hand tingling where Theo was touching him. What the fuck was he doing? "I'm not living. Why are you trying to kick me out?" Theo not understanding social norms and not picking up on social cues sometimes drove Blaise crazy. "What are you doing here?" he shot back, annoyed and confused. None of this situation made sense. Although he had missed him dearly, Blaise much preferred not having Theo around him rather than pretend they were still firends.

Theo let go of his hand and Blaise let go of the handle, straightening his back. Despite being a few inches smaller than him, Theo sometimes made him feel so small. Not now. He refused to feel small and stupid now. Theo had left, and he could stay gone for all that Blaise cared. "Blaise." Better yet, he could go fuck himself with his uncertain eyes and his small voice that made Blaise soften without meaning to. "Look, I talked to Celyn, he's like me, kind of." Blaise frowned. What did Celyn Rosier have to do with anything? "I don't… I don't not want you, I just don't want to have sex, at least not right now, maybe someday, I don't know. The only thing I know is that I don't want that right now, not with you, not with anyone. I never have, really." Blaise frowned, puzzled. What did that mean? Not wanting to have sex was... abnormal, right? He had never heard of such a thing, and it was so far removed from his own experience that it seemed impossible. Humans were breeding machines, engineered to survive and share their genes around. He had always known something was wrong with Theo, but this...?

Maybe he had been hexed, or cursed, or something. With that pretty little Mark on his forearm, everything was possible. "I miss you Blaise, I really miss you." Blaise shook his head, disbelieving and yet... hopeful. Something churned inside of him, something that had not quieted down since Theo had walked out of the flat and out of his life. "What do you mean you don't want to have sex, "not right now"? Did your balls not drop or something?" What stung more was the not with you. Blaise didn't care about Theo not wanting to have sex with anyone else, but the rebuttal hurt.
Some part of him understood that this was not about him but about Theo, and yet he couldn't really help but feel rejected and bad. It was unfair but then again, Blaise Zabini had always been unfair. "What the fuck are you doing here, Theo?" he asked again, his voice rising in annoyance. "What is this? Listen, I'm glad you're figuring yourself out or whatever, but I don't see how it concerns me. You made sure that nothing about you concerned me when you walked out the door and never came back." It was like something was finally releasing in him, a hurt so deep that he didn't know it had grown so large. "I've missed you. Pansy has missed you. And you think you can just waltz back and... for what exactly? Even you don't know, do you? Fuck, Nott, it's always the same thing with you but I can't just figure everything that's going on in that damn head of yours if you don't catch me up to speed."

"What do you mean you don't want to have sex, "not right now"? Did your balls not drop or something?" The confusion spread in Theo's mind once more. "No, no it's not a physical thing" he answered.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Theo? — What is this? Listen, I'm glad you're figuring yourself out or whatever, but I don't see how it concerns me. You made sure that nothing about you concerned me when you walked out the door and never came back." He knew he deserved it. He probably shouldn't have left like that, he probably should have tried to explain but at the time he didn't even know what was going on. It had been unfair to Blaise and Pansy but it had also been unfair to him.

"I've missed you. Pansy has missed you. And you think you can just waltz back and... for what exactly? Even you don't know, do you? Fuck, Nott, it's always the same thing with you but I can't just figure everything that's going on in that damn head of yours if you don't catch me up to speed." And Blaise looked so hurt, so angry and sad that it made Theo feel like the worst person ever, like maybe he should have stayed away and save them both from the pain. But he was there now.

"I'm trying to catch you up to speed but you're not listening to me right now." He winced at his own words, realizing they sounded accusing.
"Look, I don't feel sexual attraction to people, I don't want to have sex with them it's not… like when I see someone attractive my mind doesn't go to sex." He repeated the words he'd heard, slowly, because it had taken him some time to get it, and he couldn't expect from Blaise to understand on the first try.

"And I don't know, exactly what it means or what's gonna happen. Celyn said some people need to have an emotional connexion before they feel sexually attracted to people and some people never want to do sexual things at all or … or for some it might depend on the day." He hadn't figured it out, not yet. Everything was so confusing, so hard to explain, even to himself.

"I know you're frustrated and angry but, can you try to understand? Please?" He said, pleading as he looked into Blaise's eyes. "When I saw these things, I was scared because I didn't know what it meant for you. I didn't know if you just wanted to fuck me or if you wanted to love me." He finished in a soft voice, the words so foreign in his own mouth. He had never thought he would talk to someone about them wanting to have sex with him or love him. And doing so with Blaise was even weirder, because Blaise was his friend and he was a boy and everything was so messed up.
 

"I'm trying to catch you up to speed but you're not listening to me right now." Blaise's features hardened. He was trying to listen, he was trying to understand but as usual, Theo was not making sense and being his usual weird self. "Look, I don't feel sexual attraction to people, I don't want to have sex with them it's not… like when I see someone attractive my mind doesn't go to sex." Blaise frowned. He couldn't help but read judgement in Theo's tone - what, did he think he was some kind of animal who thought of sex every time he found someone attractive? And what did that even mean? That he didn't want sex... at all? This seemed unlikely, although Theo had never participated in the usual dorm talk of girls and sexual experiences, back in Hogwarts. Blaise had always thought that maybe he was queer, or that he was too shy to share, or maybe just a virgin. But this... Blaise's frown deepened. "And I don't know, exactly what it means or what's gonna happen. Celyn said some people need to have an emotional connexion before they feel sexually attracted to people and some people never want to do sexual things at all or … or for some it might depend on the day." That was a lot of information, and yet Blaise felt some of his anger dissipate. He had never been a friend of Rosier, but the fact that someone else seemed to have shared Theo's experience meant that it was real.

He didn't like sex - no, he didn't want sex. Like, at all. Did he masturbate? Had he ever? Blaise's mind was filling with a thousand questions. "I know you're frustrated and angry but, can you try to understand? Please?" Blaise's jaw tightened and slowly nodded, although he didn't have time to speak that Theo added: "When I saw these things, I was scared because I didn't know what it meant for you. I didn't know if you just wanted to fuck me or if you wanted to love me." Blaise felt his heart drop in his chest and he staggered back as if Theo had punched him. "I-" He was unsure. Or rather, he knew, but he was unsure what it was that Theo wanted to hear.
He cleared his throat and shook his head. "What I wanted doesn't matter anymore." His voice sounded more defeated than bitter. "And it never did, not if you never felt the same or- or if you can't feel the same." He bit his lip and looked away, ashamed. "You left, Theo, and that's okay, I think I understand now... thank you for telling me, and for trusting me. I hope you figure it out, uh. Yeah, I hope you figure it out, and you're happy." Blaise was persuaded he had buried his feelings for Theo deep within himself, made them disappear; and yet he felt a painful pang in his chest that he had no expected, at the thought of Theo leaving again and never coming back.

tw : internalized acephobia, emo theo

It was a rare sight to see, Blaise stumbling on his words, and yet there he was. He had taken a step back, and Theo couldn't help the thought that it was to get away from him. He knew he had always been the weird one, the quiet one, the no-fun one. Maybe Blaise was finally disgusted by him, like many others had been before.

"What I wanted doesn't matter anymore." Theo wanted to tell him it did, that it was everything, really, but Blaise went on before he could open his mouth. "And it never did, not if you never felt the same or- or if you can't feel the same." So that was it then? Blaise wanted to have sex with him and he didn't and there was nothing else to say. "You left, Theo, and that's okay, I think I understand now... thank you for telling me, and for trusting me. I hope you figure it out, uh. Yeah, I hope you figure it out, and you're happy." You left, the words didn't sound particularly bitter or angry, yet Theo felt a rush of discomfort rising in his chest. He knew Blaise was right, he left, he ruined everything, he wasn't good enough, he wasn't normal enough. He probably deserved his loneliness, he had made his bed and he needed to lie in it. "I know, and I'm sorry, for leaving." He said. He was, he was so sorry he had left and he wished he could have done things differently, better. "I'll try." He didn't know what he would try to do, really? To live his life without Blaise, without the only person that ever made him feel anything? To find out what was really going on with him, and try to live with that. Theo was used to not caring about what people thought about him, and before the whole thing with Blaise he felt okay with himself, like he could live his life, not wanting sex and being fine with that. But if not wanting sex meant not having Blaise by his side, he hated himself for it. He had heard people talking about how boys and girls couldn't really be friends because one always wanted to have sex with the other, but he had never thought it would happen to them. "I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. And I hope you're happy too." He really hoped he would, life would be easier without him,  without the burden of his freak friend.  Theo couldn't look at his friend, couldn't bear the sight of his eyes, so he dropped his gaze to the floor and walked towards the door. He had to leave, quick, before Blaise saw the tears escaping his eyes.

 

"I know, and I'm sorry, for leaving." Blaise bit the inside of his lip, as he could already see Theo leave, forever, and never coming back. Wasn't that what was better for everyone involved? Theo could go figure himself out and Blaise could stop thinking about him, stop feeling a mixture of shame and bitterness whenever he thought of him: he could proceed with his life, marry into Pansy's family and have a bunch of adorable Zabini-Parkinson children that would make everyone happy. Blaise could see his life in front of him: filled with success and money and opportunity. He had always known he was special and his life would be special. He was the poster-child of the Lord's Elite: bright, successful, pureblood, ambitious, handsome, filthy rich and always eager for more. From childhood, he knew that he would get married to a pureblood witch and have pureblood children, inherit an absurd amount of money from his family and give an even more absurd of money to his own children. Blaise had always known he would make someone of himself in this world.
He had never thought any of this would be without Theo. And this thought was unbearable.

"I'll try." Blaise's eyes fluttered. He'd try to figure it out and be happy. He was the one to have said this and yet Blaise only wanted one thing: to go back on his words, erase them from existence. The past few weeks and months had been nothing short of a revelation. Life without Theo was no life at all. "I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. And I hope you're happy too." And already he was moving away towards the door, stiff and awkward, and Blaise knew that if he walked out, this time, it would be for good. Something unwound in him and he almost didn't say anything. But then Theo's hand was rising towards the door's handle, and Blaise was closing in on him and circling his other wrist with his own hand.

Touching him sent a painful shiver through his arm and his spine and he almost let go; instead, his fingers tightened around Theo's bony wrist. "Don't- don't say that." Blaise hated stammering and could remember his mother's severe gaze on him every time he did. He swallowed hard and although he could have let go of Theo to give himself time to think, he didn't. "It's not about being enough, it's just- I'm--" Blaise bit his tongue and wet his lip before looking at the floor, Theo's dark and wet eyes making him uncomfortable and confused. "I didn't want to love you, I just- I just did." And now that the words were out, and now that they couldn't be taken back, they all came flooding in at once: "And I can't explain it, and I hated myself for it. It was like a lingering feeling, something that had been there for, I don't know, months, years maybe, and that I couldn't explain or let myself think about. I was not- I was not actively trying to love you, and I was not actively wanting to have sex with you, I just- I just did. And just like you can't change not wanting to have sex about yourself, I can't change that about myself, just like I couldn't change that I loved you." Suddenly, touching him was too much and Blaise let go of his wrist as if it had been a burning him. "And I'm sorry that I did, and I'm sorry that you saw that and if I could change that, if I could take it all back, I would." His voice was heavy with emotion now, and he hated that, because it was so unlike him. "And truly, I don't know- these past few months have been a blur, I realise that now. I can't- I don't want to do this again, you leaving, Pansy asking questions, me struggling to keep myself afloat... I don't want to."

Blaise depended on no one but himself - or at least that's what he had though all of his life until now. His dark eyes rose back up to Theo's and he took him in for a moment, unsure what to say or do to make him stay - no matter the cost. "You've been besides me the whole damn time, Theo," he said finally. "And I don't care that it takes, I don't want to do it without you ever again."